The solution to all our lexical challenges

But honestly who needs a tyrannical dictatorship to eradicate communication when we are perfectly happy doing it ourselves? After all I regret to inform you that the word ‘awesome’ has finally died in English. It was with a heavy heart that I attended the funeral and threw the final clods of earth on its metaphysical coffin. Now whenever a millennial tells you that a pizza is “awesome”, they are no longer telling you quake with fear at the cheesy topping; and if you tell them of the awesome view from the top of the Tatras, all you are saying is that you kind of like it. My grandfather honestly believed a radio was a wireless and a mirror was a looking glass.Because terms change over time and sometimes they are even deliberately changed. A friend of mine once pointed out to me that we shouldn’t use the word ‘prostitute’. The reason for this was that the word instantly conjures to mind a whole set of associations, none of which are particularly pleasant. Therefore the more neutral term ‘sex worker’ should be preferred. Similarly, when I was a kid (and I don’t mean a baby goat) in the UK someone who was dumb was someone who for whatever reason couldn’t speak. Unfortunately, such people are often wrongly thought to be stupid, and so the word took on that meaning. Some US writers say that it is now utterly offensive to use this word in its original meaning, even though in the rock opera ‘Tommy’, Elton John had no qualms singing: “That deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a-mean pinball!” And why oh why have British people started to say ‘ATM’? This acronym stands for Automated Telling Machine, but in British English this makes no sense whatsoever. After all, it doesn’t tell you stories or anything, it just gives you your own money. In fact, acronyms are nearly always a bad idea. When someone starts using them you can almost always guarantee they are using jargon, which most people are not going to understand. Take for instance these immortal words: “Consistent with our commitment to deliver long-term DPU and NAV growth, the acquisitions are expected to be DPU-accretive and to strengthen CEREIT’s portfolio.” The author of these fine words went on to talk about LFA and WALE. Come again?? Don’t worry – a quick internet search will tell you that DPU means Data Processing Unit, so that’s all explained then isn’t it? No? Sorry, my mistake. DPU actually means Depleted Uranium. No? Don’t worry, I’ve got it right this time. Wikipedia authoritatively tells us that it means Dinosaur Pile-Up.

And don’t get me started on the word ‘solution’! Let’s spell this out in baby language. A solution is something that solves a problem, We don’t solve an issue, because issues need to be resolved. And this is not a chicken -and-egg situation, because the problem really does need to come first. In business, problems don’t exist at all, because just like ‘prostitute’ the word has the wrong connotations. That’s why these days we have to talk about challenges. But surely this is yet another reason to stop abusing the S-word. What the heck does a problemless-solution actually mean in corpo-speak anyway? It seems to cover everything from consultancy services to the office photocopier. This same filthy habit has been seeping from English into Polish. I asked a colleague how he felt about this usage and was utterly gobsmacked to learn there was nothing wrong with it in Polish. The point is the word says nothing. It is thus an example Orwellian Newspeak – but one we are imposing on ourselves.

Nobel prize winning physicist Richard Feynman claimed that if you really want to understand a subject you need to be able to explain it in all its intricacies to someone like your grandma, who knows absolutely nothing about it. In my opinion, that’s how we should try to speak and write, using the plainest words we use when talking to our friends and family. My friends know full well that I have a foul mouth, but I still wouldn’t defile it with such abominations as ‘solution’, ‘ATM’ and ‘awesome’. ν