Still not dead yet

Yeah, I know I’m cheating, but the problem is that it is the one thing everyone is talking about and to write about anything else would be almost irrelevant. But honestly, I am sick to the back teeth of the subject and unfortunately if I were to write an article with my normal mix of cynicism and sarcasm, I would probably just come across as flippant and callous. Having given this problem some thought I have decided simply to be flippant and callous and talk about what I personally consider the absurdities of the current situation. Let’s start with the name. Why on earth do we need to stick a number after it? If we’re now facing a Covid-19 crisis, why don’t I remember Covid-18? You may accuse me of whinging and ranting, and you’d be absolutely right, but we don’t go around talking about Measles-837. (According to a quick internet search the first case was in the 9th century. And what on Earth is with this insane capitalisation? Why do we have to write Covid-19, or worse still COVID-19?

Another question I have to ask myself is what exactly do we mean by a pandemic? Why don’t we currently have a pandemic of ChICKenPOx-675? Maybe it’s because it doesn’t really kill people, but if you think about it, historically speaking Covid-19 ain’t that deadly either. Polio used to kill around 5-10 pct of the people it infected. The internet still won’t give me a straight answer on the fatality rate, but it is certainly way below most of the golden oldies from the past. The black death is thought to have wiped out around half the population of Europe. So why have we gone into lockdown? Well there is a good reason, but it isn’t to stop us catching the disease. It is true that the computer models show that a lockdown can result in fewer people becoming infected, but the number of uninfected never rises much above 2 pct no matter how you play with the variables. In other words we are all going to contract this disease sooner or later. The infection rate is way too high – over 2, which simply means that every infected person shares this lurgy with on average another two. This is way higher than the flu (1.28) and we shouldn’t be surprised either as it is a new disease to which we have no resistance. More to the point we won’t have until we catch it. In this context when I hear about people talking about a second wave, I just stare at them incredulously. What happened to the first? The lockdown seems to have stopped the spread and thrown every bell-boy waitress and DJ out of work and now we are all ripping off our masks in glee, knowing that because of the government’s prompt action we’re never going to be ill again – not even with InFLuenZA-598! For if we can claim victory in the war with Covid-19, surely every other communicable disease must have also been eliminated! The only reason for the lockdown is to limit the number of those needing hospitalisation at any one time and to make sure that there are enough respirators to go round. In this context the lockdown looks like complete overkill. Do you know anyone who’s been ill? I know about five or six, but none of them live in this country! So now I know why going to the forest was banned and we can send our kids back to school. After all, every parent knows full well that all the trendiest, most exciting new diseases always come out of schools! Thank goodness most parents aren’t that stupid and the summer holidays are coming up soon. This is most probably what might prevent the disease going rampant. Certainly not the weather! Israel, that cold damp wet country, recently hit the headlines when its infection rate jumped, and this was directly related to the reopening of the schools.

I have a lot more to say but I’m running out of space. My wife constantly screams that the government is lying and I reply that so is everybody else. The official data look as if they have been cooked up by the Ministry of Truth. Let me just mention one teen in Los Angeles who was one of the first to die in the US. He had contracted Covid-19, he had trouble breathing and then died in hospital. At the time every death represented around a percentage point, so the authorities, seeing as the deceased had only been 17, refused to count him until an autopsy had been performed. Clearly there must have been contributory factors that really had caused his death. There have been similar allegations of clearly Covid-related deaths in Poland being downgraded into cases of “respiratory failure”. As 19th century British prime minister Benjamin Disraeli almost said: “There are lies, damned lies and there are massaged statistics.”

This article reflects personal opinions that do not necessarily agree with those of the publisher.